Talk:Dun Darach/GA1
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Reviewer: Cognissonance (talk · contribs) 04:21, 17 April 2020 (UTC)
Lead
- Establish in the first sentence that Gargoyle Games also developed the game.
- Speaking of which, "the game" is repeated three times, unnecessarily so.
- Minimized usage. GamerPro64 17:00, 17 April 2020 (UTC)
- "on his search to find his" — Replace the first "his" with "a".
- "Celtic folklore about the hero Cuchulainn" — WP:OVERLINK, remove the wikilinks for "Celtic" and "Cuchulainn".
- Lose the comma that comes after that sentence, for the sake of flow.
- Replace "hero" with "demigod" to avoid repetition and coincide with his article.
- "from video game critics" — "video game" is not needed here.
- Someone else took care of this. GamerPro64 17:00, 17 April 2020 (UTC)
- Establish that it received positive reviews at release, but less so retrospectively.
- "It was re-released by on different game compilations and on cover tapes in issues of British video game magazines" — Improve prose: "It was re-released on different game compilations and cover tapes in issues of British video game magazines".
Plot and gameplay
- Reword the plot in present tense for more immediacy to the reading.
- Re-written by someone else. GamerPro64 17:34, 17 April 2020 (UTC)
- "with his companion Lóeg the charioteer" — Copyedit: "with his charioteer Lóeg". Make this continue from "Cuchulainn was travelling home".
- "from a battle with the Connachta" — Replace "with" with "against", if they are an enemy.
- Add a wikilink to "Connachta".
- "beautiful young woman" — WP:POV, remove "beautiful".
- "and on leaving" — Add a comma after this, for effect.
- That part got removed. GamerPro64 17:34, 17 April 2020 (UTC)
- "ally of the Connachta" — Add a comma after this, for pause.
- "timeless" — Remove, as it doesn't come up later.
- "in retribution for the death of Prince Amhair" — Who killed him, Cuchulainn or Lóeg?
- I specified that he died in the battle. Not entirely sure who killed the prince. GamerPro64 17:34, 17 April 2020 (UTC)
- "Cuchulainn went on a long search for the mysterious city and eventually discovered it and entered Dun Darach to find Lóeg" — Avoid repetition of "and": "Cuchulainn went on a long search for the mysterious city, eventually discovering it and entering to find Lóeg".
- "by selecting from performing commands by typing them from the keyboard" — Untangle: "by performing key commands".
- "These NPCs can give short hints to the player" — Replace "the player" with "Cuchulainn".
- "have Cuchulainn buy" — Replace "Cuchulainn" with "him".
- "buy, steal and sell goods" — Avoid repetition, remove "goods".
- "The city of" — Avoid repetition, remove.
- "Dun Darach is large and consists of different quarters with shops and the current time of the day is indicated by torches in the wall and by the greetings of characters" — Avoid repetition of "and" and "shops": "Dun Darach is large and consists of different quarters. The current time of the day is indicated by torches in the wall and by the greetings of characters".
Development
- Add "and release" to the title of this section for a clearer representation of the contents.
- "the game" is repeated five times here and should either be removed or reworded.
- Minimized. GamerPro64 17:41, 17 April 2020 (UTC)
- "Dun Darach was developed by Greg Follis and Roy Carter, the co-founders of game developer Gargoyle Games. Under the working title "Cú Chulainn – The Early Years", the game is a prequel to their previous title Tir Na Nog" — Copyedit: "Dun Darach was developed by Greg Follis and Roy Carter, the co-founders of game developer Gargoyle Games, as a prequel to their previous title Tir Na Nog. It had the working title Cú Chulainn – The Early Years".
- "Greg Follis claimed" — Lose the first name.
- "big setting" — Avoid repetition, replace "big" with "huge".
- "resulting in the sequel to be scaled back to only city" — Copyedit: "resulting in it being scaled back to one city".
- "with the developer wanting" — Avoid repetition of "developer", replace with "Gargoyle" as a shorthand for the name of the developer.
- "released for the ZX Spectrum in 1985" — Avoid repetition of "released", replace with "launched".
- "It was later ported to the Amstrad CPC later that year, with Roy Carter saying that it took ten days to do the conversation for the system" — Copyedit: "It was ported to the Amstrad CPC later that year. Carter remarked that it took ten days to do the conversion for the system". I assume it's "conversion" and not "conversation".
- Your assumption is right. GamerPro64 17:41, 17 April 2020 (UTC)
Reception and legacy
- "from video game critics" — "video game" is not needed here.
- This was done by someone else. GamerPro64 17:51, 17 April 2020 (UTC)
- "Praise for the game was given on its graphics" — Avoid repetition, reword: "Praise was given to the graphics".
- Same as above. GamerPro64 17:51, 17 April 2020 (UTC)
- "worthy successor to the first game" — "game" is not needed here.
- "A reviewer for Crash called" — Avoid repetition, replace "called" with "declared".
- "a must own" — Informal, reword: "an essential purchase".
- "considered it a contender" — Avoid repetition of "considered": "saw it as a contender".
- "Retrospective reviews were less positive" — Avoid repetition: "Retrospective appraisals were less agreeable".
- "Peter Parrish, while calling it "mystifying", overall gave it an average score" — Avoid repetition: "Peter Parrish offered an average score overall, dubbing it "mystifying"".
- "saying both were fun to play but Dun Darach was not as good as the first game" — "as the first game" is not needed here.
- "The ZX Spectrum version was also voted number 57 in the Your Sinclair Official Top 100 Games of All Time" — Move this so that it comes before Richard Price's review and lose the "also".
@GamerPro64: Great work on the article. Ping me when you're done. Cognissonance (talk) 04:21, 17 April 2020 (UTC)
- @Cognissonance: I believe everything has been taken care of here. GamerPro64 17:51, 17 April 2020 (UTC)
- I believe so too. Passing the article now. Cognissonance (talk) 17:59, 17 April 2020 (UTC)