Talk:Another One Rides the Bus/GA1

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Reviewer: Jclemens (talk · contribs) 05:47, 5 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]


Rate Attribute Review Comment
1. Well-written:
1a. the prose is clear, concise, and understandable to an appropriately broad audience; spelling and grammar are correct. Several comments on the wording/phrasing below should be addressed.
1b. it complies with the Manual of Style guidelines for lead sections, layout, words to watch, fiction, and list incorporation. Lead seems like it might be a bit on the short side, but not unreasonable given the length of the article.
2. Verifiable with no original research:
2a. it contains a list of all references (sources of information), presented in accordance with the layout style guideline. Fine.
2b. reliable sources are cited inline. All content that could reasonably be challenged, except for plot summaries and that which summarizes cited content elsewhere in the article, must be cited no later than the end of the paragraph (or line if the content is not in prose). No issues noted.
2c. it contains no original research. No issues noted.
2d. it contains no copyright violations or plagiarism. Everything flagged by Earwig's copyvio detector is properly cited to the source.
3. Broad in its coverage:
3a. it addresses the main aspects of the topic. Fine.
3b. it stays focused on the topic without going into unnecessary detail (see summary style). Fine
4. Neutral: it represents viewpoints fairly and without editorial bias, giving due weight to each. No issues noted.
5. Stable: it does not change significantly from day to day because of an ongoing edit war or content dispute. No edit warring noted.
6. Illustrated, if possible, by media such as images, video, or audio:
6a. media are tagged with their copyright statuses, and valid non-free use rationales are provided for non-free content. Plausible FURs noted.
6b. media are relevant to the topic, and have suitable captions. Fine.
7. Overall assessment. Passing per the improvements made. Good Job!

Initial Thoughts

  • The lead is a bit convoluted:
    • "The song, which describes a person riding in a crowded public bus, was recorded live on September 14, 1980, on the Dr. Demento Show, hosted by Barret "Dr. Demento" Hansen." needs to be at least two sentences.
      It now reads: "The song describes a person riding in a crowded public bus. It was recorded live on September 14, 1980, on the Dr. Demento Show, hosted by Barret "Dr. Demento" Hansen."
    • "Critically, the song has been well received, and Brian May, the guitarist of Queen, has singled it out as an exemplar spoof of the parody's source material." This may need to be two sentences also, but 'exemplar spoof of [...] source material' is a needlessly convoluted construction.
      It now reads: "Critically, the song has been well received, and Brian May—the guitarist of Queen—has expressed his amusement with it."
  • "While practicing the song outside the sound booth, Yankovic met Jon "Bermuda" Schwartz who told Yankovic he was a drummer." Drummer is overlinked no matter what. Did Scwartz pretend to be a drummer? Might "who offered to drum for him" be more straightforward?
    I've tried to rewrite this whole section to make it a little easier to read and a bit less redundant: "While practicing the song outside the sound booth, Yankovic met Jon "Bermuda" Schwartz, who offered to provide percussion for his performance. Because Yankovic did not have a drum kit, Schwartz kept the beat by rhythmically striking Yankovic's accordion case."
  • "quandry therein"? Simplify that a bit please. The article is discussing comedy recordings, let's bring it down in reading level.
    Done.--Gen. Quon (Talk) 14:32, 5 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]
  • "care of the North Pole" avoid using wikilinks in direct quotes.
    I've kept a link it, but now it directs the user to Wiktionary, as I feel the term 'care of' might (alas) be lost on those (i.e. 'the youths') who have not regularly sent post. If you don't know what 'care of' means, then the sentence "I think one went to Santa Claus, care of the North Pole" is somewhat hard to understand.--Gen. Quon (Talk) 14:32, 5 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]
  • I'd like to hear more about the transfer to Deacon. Was this his pattern in later creations? How did Deacon take it? Was this part of Al's nascent respectful treatment of the artists he parodied? Inquiring minds would like to know.
    Honestly, all I know is that which I put into Note 1. At some point the copyright was transferred, and Yankovic isn't listed anywhere as an author. This hasn't been his modus operandi since, so I suspect that your hypotheses are correct (I'm guessing he was preemptively trying to prevent a lawsuit, just in case). Unfortunately, I can't find any good sources that specifically discuss this in detail.--Gen. Quon (Talk) 14:32, 5 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

@Jclemens: thank you for the review. How does the article look now?--Gen. Quon (Talk) 14:32, 5 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Second run

  • "Yankovic was accompanied by Jon "Bermuda" Schwartz, making this the first song of Yankovic's that Schwartz would play percussion on." Passive voice, preposition is a bad word to end a sentence with, etc.
  • "Hoping to capitalize on the success of the song, Yankovic originally released "Another One Rides the Bus" on an EP of the same name, which he self-released." Self-released can replaced the first 'released', eliminating the need for the trailing clause.
  • You use a comma after the first word or two of a majority of sentences in the lead: "Later," "In 1983," "Critically,"... And that's just the lead.

I don't want to have to go through and nitpick your prose for you sentence-by-sentence. You've got FAs on your wall, I would like to see writing that shines brighter than this by default. I reviewed my first Weird Al GA over 8 years ago, and I love that people are still doing them... but I want the prose to be a bit easier to read, flow conversationally, and be devoid of things that make me sit up and say "well, that was an awkward way to say that" or "Um, what did that mean?". You know? Give it a whole run through, read it with a friend or significant other, and see if you can't just polish things a good bit better. You've got all the information, all the forms, and aren't doing anything wrong... it's just the prose could stand improvement. Is that enough guidance? Jclemens (talk) 18:38, 6 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

@Jclemens: I have performed my first copy-edit. Am I on the right track here?--Gen. Quon (Talk) 17:53, 9 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]
Yes, you've done a good job. There's still a few simple things to fix, which I will do for you. Jclemens (talk) 05:32, 11 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]
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