Talk:Andy Paley sessions

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GA Review

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Reviewing
This review is transcluded from Talk:Andy Paley sessions/GA1. The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.

Reviewer: Mike Christie (talk · contribs) 11:33, 18 July 2018 (UTC)[reply]

I'll review this. Mike Christie (talk - contribs - library) 11:33, 18 July 2018 (UTC)[reply]

  • A couple of points that are not issues for GA, but I might as well mention:
    • You're inconsistent about the use of a location field in book citations. Footnote 38 (Domenic Priore) has a location; the sources listed below the references do not.
    • Any reason to have just a single citation in the lead? It doesn't seem a controversial point; I'd suggest removing it.
      I could not find a place for that fact in the body.--Ilovetopaint (talk) 05:39, 28 July 2018 (UTC)[reply]
      Well, that means it's actually a GA problem -- the lead should not include information that is not in the body. Mike Christie (talk - contribs - library) 00:15, 16 August 2018 (UTC)[reply]
  • Encouraged by Paley, some songs from the album drew from close to 170 rough tape demos kept in briefcases next to Wilson's piano: needs rephrasing; the songs weren't encouraged by Paley -- presumably Wilson was.
  • After working on the material for several months, additional producers and songwriters were called in for Wilson: same problem -- the producers and songwriters weren't working on the material for several months.
  • The day after California courts issued a restraining order on therapist Eugene Landy from contacting Wilson: suggest giving the date, or at least the month and year.
  • a brief writing collaboration with ... Jellyfish: presumably this is Wilson collaborating, but you don't say so. It becomes apparent in Manning's quote, but it would be easier on the reader to make it clear before that.
  • There's a lot of shit Andy I got written for him: this is in quotes, so I didn't fix it, but there's clearly something wrong here. If this is an exact quote it should probably have a [sic] added.
    I don't see what the problem is --Ilovetopaint (talk) 05:39, 28 July 2018 (UTC)[reply]
    "Andy I" doesn't make sense. Mike Christie (talk - contribs - library) 10:39, 14 August 2018 (UTC)[reply]
     Done--Ilovetopaint (talk) 16:12, 14 August 2018 (UTC)[reply]
  • As with Wild Honey (album), I feel there are too many quotes. Would you be willing to make a pass through to reduce them? My argument is the same as it was then -- we should be using quotes for illustration, not as a way to carry forward the narrative.
     Done--Ilovetopaint (talk) 16:12, 14 August 2018 (UTC)[reply]
  • What makes the following reliable sources?

-- Still reading through; more comments probably this evening. Mike Christie (talk - contribs - library) 12:12, 18 July 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Looking through again, I think I'm going to hold off on further reviewing until we've talked about the quotes and the sources are addressed, since that might lead to quite a few prose changes. Mike Christie (talk - contribs - library) 00:59, 19 July 2018 (UTC)[reply]
  • I've trimmed much of the quotes... --Ilovetopaint (talk) 16:12, 14 August 2018 (UTC)[reply]
    I've marked up this version of the article to show how much is quotes. This is too much for me to able to pass this, I'm afraid. The problem is not that these quotes need to be paraphrased; it's that the story of the article is being told via quotes. I think the article would benefit from a rewrite with no quotes (and no reported speech such as "saying that he did not believe the music was commercial enough"). That would be the bones of an article that could then be illustrated with appropriate quotes. This is such major surgery that I don't think it's reasonable to wait for you to fix it, so I'm going to fail the article -- the excessive quotes mean it fails 2d of the criteria; and it is not concise (1a) or focused (3b) either. Sorry -- I know you waited a long time for the review. Mike Christie (talk - contribs - library) 00:41, 16 August 2018 (UTC)[reply]
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