Talk:HIV/AIDS in South African townships

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New article

As part of an intensive course study this semester, I have created a new Wikipedia article entitled "HIV/AIDS in South African townships" that describes HIV/AIDS prevalence statistics in townships, traditional beliefs about the disease, the effects of HIV/AIDS on men, women, and children, HIV/AIDS education in townships, prevention and treatment, and government and NGO attempts to address the epidemic. Wikipedia currently has thorough articles addressing HIV/AIDS in South Africa and township conditions. However, Wikipedia does not demonstrate a link between HIV/AIDS and poverty or describe the long-term effects of apartheid on health disparities in South Africa. Although direct racial segregation and discrimination are no longer legal in South Africa, the aftermath of apartheid has left non-white South Africans in an extremely disadvantaged position. HIV/AIDS is prevalent in the entire country of South Africa, but it is concentrated in townships due to poverty and a lack of HIV/AIDS education and awareness programs. I wanted to create a new article about HIV/AIDS in South African townships to inform readers about the plight of apartheid victims, eighteen years after the legal disintegration of apartheid, in accessing health care and attaining HIV/AIDS education.

I welcome your comments and suggestions! Thanks!

Jak8 (talk) 17:04, 30 March 2012 (UTC)[reply]

NGO section

I find it strange that the section contains no mention at all of the Treatment Action Campaign - arguably the most prominent NGO in the HIV/AIDS "sector". Roger (talk) 20:46, 6 April 2012 (UTC)[reply]

I will add the Treatment Action Campaign to the NGO section; thank you for the suggestion! Jak8 (talk) 21:38, 6 April 2012 (UTC)[reply]
Of course this is based on the supposition that good sources can be found that describe TACs activities specifically related to townships. Roger (talk) 06:57, 7 April 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Suggested Edits

Jak8, this is a great and informative article! Very well-written and well-organized. A couple of suggestions:1) In your introduction, you could add a brief sentence or phrase just to explain HIV/AIDS, at least mention it is a sexually transmitted disease. A reminder of the 3 modes of transmission would be helpful in your introduction in the section for cultural beliefs about transmission to remind readers of the scientific and actual reasons. 2) Some of the category titles can be a bit clearer, such as "Rape AS A CURE", "women AS CARRIERS" "HIV/AIDS education and AWARENESS", "INFLUENCE/ ROLE OF Churches" . 3) A bit more depth/ detail on efforts to address the epidemic, in both governmental and NGO sections.

This was very well done! Great job Jennyxwen (talk) 01:34, 9 April 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Hey Jennyxwen,
In response to your suggestions, I:
  • added a link to Wikipedia's HIV/AIDS article in the introduction.
  • discussed the scientific reasons behind HIV/AIDS transmission in the "Traditional beliefs about HIV/AIDS section."
  • changed the section headings from "Rape" to "Rape as a cure," "Women" to "Women as victims," and "Churches" to "Role of churches."
  • expanded the NGO section to include the Treatment Action Campaign.
Thanks so much!
Jak8 (talk) 02:39, 9 April 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Possible Revisions

The last sentence in the "Stigma" subsection under the section on traditional beliefs needs a citation. In this sentence you use some really strong words, which is understandable as they are the popular opinions of the public towards HIV positive people, based on the study you refer to at the beginning of the sentence. Perhaps you should add quotation marks to these words to make it clear that you are not paraphrasing the study's findings with harsher words. Also, you use a lot of percentages under the section on "Prevalence," which makes it a little hard to follow, but not significantly. Perhaps you can add a map, if available, showing the differences in percentage of HIV positive people in the differing areas of Africa to supplement your writing.
Overall, your article is extremely well done. Your section outline is great and all of your sections are of good length and content. Great job! Marymorales291 (talk) —Preceding undated comment added 05:45, 9 April 2012 (UTC).[reply]

Hey Marymorales291,
Thanks for your suggestions. I added quotations to the last sentence in the "Stigma" subsection and inserted a citation at the end of the section.
Jak8 (talk) 15:04, 9 April 2012 (UTC)[reply]

South African English

In terms of the WP:ENGVAR rules this article should be written in South African English. It is very similar to British English with only a few exceptions which, due to the subject matter, are quite unlikely to occur in this article. I have already changed all instances of "program(s)" to "programme(s)" which stood out as the most noticable issue. I will take a look at this page occasionally as further development occurs, though I can't of course guarantee that I will catch all "Americanisms" I will give it my best shot. If any editor has questions about spelling or expressions please post a note here and I'll try to attend to it asap. Roger (talk) 16:08, 9 April 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Suggested Revisions

Jak8, your article is well-written and very informative. I noticed in your Talk page that this is a completely new entry, so excellent job putting it all together! I have only a few suggestions on how to improve it:

  • Consider paraphrasing more quotes. While I do not believe you are overusing quotations or using them incorrectly, I think the number of quotes (which seem to generally be from reports and analyses) your article currently uses doesn’t fit Wikipedia:Quotations’ recommendations. For instance, some quotations in 4 AIDS orphans and 5 Education can be restated easily.
  • As Marymorales291 stated, 1 Prevalence is a little difficult to follow given all the numerical data. Would it be possible to include a chart or some other kind of visual to better convey that information?

Regardless, this is a very strong article. You have clearly done a lot of research about the topic, and the entry is very well organized. Great job putting it all together!

JoyceChou (talk) 18:17, 9 April 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks, JoyceChou! I will take those recommendations into account. Jak8 (talk) 20:09, 10 April 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Please use Usernames

Please address each other by your registered usernames. I realise that some of you know each other personally as this article is part of a university project, but please bear in mind that the rest of the millions of en:WP users have no idea who "real name" is. This talk page will exist long after the university project has ended.

Another point - this is not any one editor's article, it is Wikipedia's article. Even though someone might be the creator of most or even all of the content, no individual editor has any special rights or status with respect to any article - see WP:OWN. Roger (talk) 18:59, 9 April 2012 (UTC)[reply]

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Wikipedia Ambassador Program course assignment

This article is the subject of an educational assignment at Rice University supported by the Wikipedia Ambassador Program during the 2011 Q3 term. Further details are available on the course page.

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